LeeAnne34's Blog

http://www.betseyjohnson.com/store/ProductImages/d etails/4391_large.jpg

I want to get this dress. It's a tad out of my price range atm.

I tried on several Betsey Johnston Dresses the other day. I then secretly lamented when I looked at each price tag.

I need to change my job. The cheap bastards at my company want you to work with no days off, but damn you if you want to be paid properly. It's time to look at a new job. As much as this one is a compromise- one that guarantees at least a normal lifestyle would be better.

Well,

Earth Hour hit Toronto and all the lights mostly flickered out in the downtown area. I started early with my lights off. I have special candle holders on my wall with mirrors behind them, so it reflects a nice soft light across my apartment.

For the most part many people have shut off their lights but some haven't.

My landolord won't turn off the hall lights for safety reasons which I can understand.

"To err is to be human" is a true phrase, but "to seek out to criticise, and augement human flaws" is also a much more true motive of many humans.

I can remember being in a bar with some acquaintance. They were not a friend, and not well known to me, but they came with friends I knew well.

They were somewhat intrigued that I wasn't drinking. They asked me why I didn't drink. I didn't tell them why; I thought it funny they would even ask. My real reason is I am too cheap to spend money on booze, and I just get way too tipsy so easily anyway.

They wanted to know more. I can't remember the line of questioning that led to the discussion of drugs, but he mentioned cocaine. Of course my dumb self didn't think he was referring to me. I have never done cocaine and never will.

I then described having annoying roommates who would get all coked out, and after watching them behave like paranoid idiots, I decided to move out. I am one of those people who could walk through a maze of addiction at a party and not feel the least bit interested. Watching people do coke is nothing new to me, I just have no interest.

Weeks later a friend brought up the conversation I had with this guy. The guy- who assumed that because I wasn't drinking, that I must've had some other vice- and that being cocaine. He said I was a major cokehead.

I thought it hilarious considering I think booze is expensive, I certainly as hell couldn't afford coke.

But this type of slash and burn assumption of my character is nothing new. It's this shame game people like to play with others, as sort of a power trip. I have never understood this type of power trip; where you make major assumptions about a person's behavior with the intent of defaming them.

It's as if your mere existence bothers them, and they must defame any good quality they see because they just don't have it in themselves.

I guess it gives someone a sense of power to be the hub of salacious "insider information" on any problems in a person's life. I guess they figure there is less to lose as well when they don't know the person.

I've seen it many times before. I once had a counsellor who was the same way; she seemed to want to imply that all my problems were related to alcohol, even when I hadn't been drinking. I got accused of reeking of alcohol one day, and being heavily intoxicated when I hadn't been drinking; my issue had been depression and they took it upon themselves to ignore that.

My doctor should have been sued, but it's difficult to do that. And once you admit to having a problem-whether it be mental or otherwise- it just seems people want to hang a name on you.

Perhaps it gave them the sense of being authoritative to blame alcohol. I don't know, two zimas in a week hardly accounts for alcoholism.

You see, you probably even think I am a drug addict, or an alcoholic just by what I wrote. But the truth is, I'm definitely neither.

It's as if we can't deal with someone who may be "too good" or too simplistic- so we must complicate things.

It's a game we indulge in; we like to have our victims and our enemies. It gives us something to judge other than ourselves at the end of the day. It's the endless need to spin something to hide some sort of truth.

I was sexually harassed in high school because of the same thing. I never even knew the people who started it, but they seemed to have some vested self serving interest in attacking me- and I think the truth about my life was very threatening to them.

People do this because SOMETHING is a threat (to them). And it is much easier to attack someone you hardly know, because they will be slow to find out the greater part of the truth.

I once remember a Jeff Buckley song, where he refers to "this virus called language." We are swayed by anything as long as it is repeated several times. We end up being "infected" in a way by the spreading of any false information.

Just look at advertising.

I sometimes think it's wonderful how much information there is at our fingertips, but I also think we under-estimate the power of information, or perhaps mis-information.

This blog may be vague and rambling but bear with me, I think I'm onto something.

I was watching The Hour with George Strombolopolos (probably spelt wrong), and he brought up a quote from a young teen who thought buying a CD was out of the question "because that meant getting out of the house, going to the store, and actually buying the CD."

Some researchers believe the internet, particularly social networking services like facebook, are creating a generation of people who wouldn't know what to do with face to face interaction. Despite all the communication, and information, we are actually losing the art of real communication, and real, genuine emotional expression.

Another double edged sword I have noticed with the internet is although it allows for anyone to communicate at anytime, it does not allow you to know who you are really talking to, and often it seems perceived slights are overblown.

It also allows for annoyingly ultra PC behavior.

For instance I find people seem to have overtly emotional responses to slights of communication on the internet, rather than in a face to face confrontation. And usually this feeds into some sort of personal agenda, and also gives the excuse to a totally idiotic flame war.

I think the PC (or MAC) can allow someone to behave as if they are driving a large SUV; they hardly realize how obnoxious they are, and because they feel invisible and protected by their large car, or computer screen, they don't care.

Here's one example:

I once remember someone flaming me- swearing, attacking viciously, calling me a child abuser, or in support of child abuse because I made a crack about an aunt "beating me with a wooden spoon" for dipping into her cooking. It was a very benign comment, however someone with an agenda interpreted me as inadvertently supporting acts of child abuse, and therefore guilty as if I committed child abuse. I just dropped out of that chat because of the idiocy of everyone with their head up their arse. People were overtly PC, and nice, saying I shouldn't say such things to offend people (?!).

As a result I spend more time just reading stuff, and not getting too involved in internet discussions. I just find that there are so many maladaptive ways of communicating on the net, that force me to revert to reading science journals and articles, instead of engaging with others.

This is why I prefer meetups and going to stuff, because often people are forced to behave properly, and seem to usually go with the intention of being honest about who they are, and to not be an asshole.

Another issue I brought up is the validity that you were abused.

I go back and forth in my head with this one.

Was I even abused? Why did I find one event so traumatic, and other events not so traumatic? Sure I was molested as a child, but it wasn't that bad. Why did I have flashbacks at age 20? Why didn't the doctors believe me? Was it my boundary issues at the time? Was it just a power trip to not listen to me and say everything was made up all in my head? Why is it that people do not really listen when you mention abuse? Does it point out the commonness of it? Does it force them to face something that they feel uncomfortable in dealing with? Why do I have such horrible boundary issues when it comes to sex? Why did I think that guy holding me down at a party was attempting to rape me? Did I lead him on? Did I confuse him about what I wanted? Why did he hold me down and kneel on my legs?

Why do I have memory flashes that sometimes come right before I have sex? Why do I shut off for sex, or feel like I become someone else for sex. Why do I feel suicidal after sex? Why did I stay awake for days, thinking about what he tried on me? Why do I invalidate myself when my feelings are so real? Is it because I feel a sense of hopelessness in being believed? Am I acting out something that happened in my teens?

Why did I kiss or even touch him back? Why did he kick me in the face when I refused to have oral sex in front of his friends? Why don't people see that as abuse, or call it "unusual" when I think it was abuse? Why didn't I go to the police, especially when I thought about going? Why did I pretend to like him? Why did he push me, and ignore me saying no? Why did I call it rape when he was on top of me? Why didn't I say no more? Why didn't I say no after he pushed me on the bed? Why did I kiss him back? Was I acquiescing out of fear, and because he was forcing me, and ignoring my no's in the first place?

Why did my mother let my brother beat me right afterwards? Was my cutting and needing help bothering them? Was I calling too much attention to something in our family? Why did they turn into monsters?

Why did my mother seem so willing to push her son to be violent towards me? Where did he learn to think that is acceptable behavior? He said that my mother called me a whore, and that made it ok.

Why did my mother call me a whore when a 30 year old man began to pursue me sexually at the age of 15? Why did she ignore me when I said he was bothering me? Was it his asking for my phone number at first? What did she think when he followed me the whole way home, and it made me uncomfortable? what did she think when he followed me when I ran from him? What did she think when he demanded sex from me, cornered me, and threatened to rape me, or "make it worse if I say no"? Did some image of an underage teen being sexual with a 30 year old, rile up some image of whorishness? Who is the real whore? Me? Him? Or her....

Are we so blind in our behavior as adults to not really think about the damage any of this causes?

Is all of this why I feel so messed up in the head? Is this the only reason? How do I go to feeling unmessed up? Have I already gone too mad to ever come back again?

Well,

I have been going to different meet ups around the city. It's my way of getting myself out of the house, and discussing or sharing whatever is on my mind.

I went to a meeting for discussing abuse. Some interesting viewpoints, and ideas were brought to the table.

One topic I brought up was my despise for adults who complain about how children and teens behave when they themselves aren't exactly role models. Like the parent who drinks, and allows their kid to drink, but then criticises them for getting drunk, and behaving badly. Seriously, I've met people with parents/rolemodels (a teacher for christ sakes!) like this- they literally put their kid into situations and then judge them when the outcome is bad.

I can remember a group in the early 90's (I think the band name is Camaflouge) where the lyrics go something like this

"create the cultural shock, fuck the children to live your life."

I often think some people who haven't matured as adults seem to want to involve themselves with youth, but have a poor time being an adult for these children, and let boundary issues get in the way. And we are not quick to notice these things until they are causing MAJOR issues to the child.

We often view children and young people as blank slates that require automatic shaping into adults, and unfortunately as in the case of an abusive type, to manipulate to their viewpoint. God knows why people do this; maybe they were abused as children themselves, and since children are automatically seen as "in need of direction," they try to be a role model as a way to deny their inner demons, but turn to abuse in the end.

Who knows. There is no logical reason for when anyone behaves like a fuck up. Especially towards a child. It just points out some disgusting, self loathing, and insanity in the adult.

Another issue I brought up is my despise of the media, and fashion and how it exploits younger people. Have you seen how short skirts are these day? Yet you will hear that all knowing adult criticise the teen for dressing slutty,

yet have you seen the clothing racks these days? No wonder 9 year olds are getting anorexic. I would think I was fat too if those ridiculously short shorts were in 20 years ago.

So I didn't want to buy a dress. I feel it's a mindless purchase; I was just depressed, and angry. Often when I feel perturbed I find reading helps- mindless stuff just makes me angrier, sadder, more frustrated.

So I bought an Adbusters magazine.

There was one article I was taken by, called "On Seeing Others."

The author said, "Important life issues are often divisive issues, and the convictions we form... won't always lead us to drink at the same bar. Often they lead us to opposite sides of the barricade. But what's the point of wasting energy perpetuating mean spirited stereotypes about your adversaries? Why does everyone need to be either a selfless hero, or an unregenerate villian? Surely there must be normal, middle-of-the-road people struggling somewhere."

Basically, we have some sort of need for preconceived notions of others who we bump into throughout our days. The homeless man you don't open you're wallet for because of the fear of being mugged. Others call him lazy. Your boss is pure evil, and their every action is of ill intent towards an employee, and not just out of major job dissatisfaction and fear. So when you bash your boss we do so without understanding the other side- we only take what we need to bolster our argument. There are malicious stereotypes where ever you look.

And you have worn a stereotype. And I have worn a stereotype. Often, it has been used to ignore other much larger details about our experiences, and ourselves. It may have been used to try to delude us from believing in ourselves. And largely it re-enforces a mistrust in others.

When I get bummed I need to read something that jolts me into thinking. And this was the jolt I needed.

Then there was a quote from Longfellow,

"If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we would find in each person's life sorrow, and suffering enough to disarm all hostilities."

Imagine what we could do if we did this.

My labels have been Bipolar, Depression, PTSD, anxiety, ADHD, and the add ons from the non-medical community have been psycho-girl, crazy, bitch, whore, and slut. I experienced stigma, and sometimes I find myself waiting for attack, and the questions, and comments from those that seek to see through me. I have also run into an overblown fear that views me as dangerous, when the real danger is understanding what they are afraid of.

I have seen people who merely attack a person for their vulnerability- be it homelessness, or mental illness- and it's treated like a game. It's seen as funny.

And because I suffer from mental illess I read things like this to feed my soul and my mind. I owe it to myself.

So, I am not a good shit disturber usually. I hate being the one with my neck on the line. It's not always easy to do, and the older I get the less I want to do it.

Then there are times when you must do it, and I find myself in that situation again. I am yet again warring with the company I work for. This time I dropped the hammer.

I refused to work extra hours, when requested to. I had previously informed my boss that he go through appropriate channels to get me to work 48+ hours a week, or I will start refusing work.

My company often does things that fall outside government regulations and they often penalize you for it.

For instance, it took me over 2 months to get overtime pay. I had to harass them regularly to get it. Apparently, it was my fault- my boss is the laziest asshole there is- though I am sure there are more like him.

He often will try to schmooze you for extra hours of work. We are always short staffed not because no one wants the job, and it requires a special skill (hah!), but because he is too fucken lazy to hire anyone, and people quit as soon as they figure out the company bullshit. So if you miss a shift out of your 50-60+ hour work week- it goes down on your file permanently- and the company has this bullshit points system that labels you as "lazy" with points deducted.

Though the points won't earn you any rewards- it's supposed to be motivational. You are rewarded very little for everything else, and anything good usually goes by unnoticed. You also get punished if you don't approve the schedule if you don't like the hours.

Never mind our boss though, with his frequent days off and lying to cover his own ass when he fucks up.

So I missed a shift after I requested that a) my boss go through the appropriate government channels to request these extra hours, and b)if he doesn't I'll simply start refusing work. I forgot on my schedule I had a shift in there, honestly. I had also worked so many hours and I don't get too many days off- so everything began to look the same.

It was not a typical day for me to work either. It was also a double shift too- so once I was done one shift out of my regular schedule I thought I could go home. I had already put in 44+ hours so why not. And I also did not care because like I said, if my boss doesn't go through appropriate channels I might as well refuse.

So the assistant was livid when she called me to go into the shift and I said no. She called me back two more times, trying to say I agreed to go into the shift, as a way to get me in. I said no I didn't, told her to hire more staff, and hung up on her.

I was punished- though whoop dee do, they can fire me for all I care, and they will lose a contract if they do. I told her to basically- start treating staff as if they're human- you know with family and lives. Maybe I am asking too much these days, but it's worth a shot.

So,

I've been suckered into going to a wedding with my boyfriend. His ex wife will be there. My boyfriend seemed hesitant about bringing me, and now I wish I hadn't agreed to anything.

So I was in a pissy mood Sunday. I am supposed to buy a dress for the damn thing. I should just show up in jeans. I thought shopping might lighten my mood, but buying a bullshit dress I'll maybe wear once made me angrier. So I went for a walk, got some coffee, and bought something to read instead. Screw dresses.

I felt like the dress would be symbol of hiding my imperfections. And I think being with my boyfriend would mean that I will be under the family microscope. His mom is nortoriously moody. The brothers are techno geniuses who make a ton of money and have beautiful things. One is married with two brilliant children both in gifted programs, and with grades in the high 90's.

Then there is my boyfriend the intellect, techno geek, who regularly goes off on tangents while talking about the physics of where to place speakers to best optimize sound. Usually his tangents fly over my head.

I might as well buy a dress with the intention of lighting myself on fire at this thing.

I know I will be under the family microscope, and with the way my boyfriend talks about speakers, if his brothers are the same in questioning what I do for a living, and figuring out my philosophy in life, I might run away screaming.

So I am trying to cheer myself up before I go.

Here are some things I thought of that I would never do, but would make my worst sound better (sounding dumb, nervous, have an anxiety attack).

1. To ward off the feeling of wanting to light myself on fire at this thing I'll just wear something covered in flames.

2. Take Xanax with me, make sure I take lots, and either @ pass out on my food, or @ get up when I know I am about pass out, and pass out on the wedding cake.

I am trying to think of more but they're not coming to me.

I got annoyed when my boyfriend said he would invite a female friend because she would have the dress for it, and he didn't want to put it on me to go buy a dress. That just hurt my feelings. Now I feel like I am going based on hurt feelings.

So I am feeling better. And I found this quote that made me happy and I posted it at my desk.

Anyone ever remember Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey from SNL?

Well the administrators and managers at my company are complete idiots. This Jack Handey quote reminded me of them.

"Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door."

I just thought that was classic. And you see idiot customers, bosses etc running around pulling shit like this all the time.

So,

My day was alright. I felt like a miserable grouch today, until I had my afternoon cup of tea. Then things were great.

I also began going out to different meetups in the city to get out more. I am trying to have a more varied life, and circle of friends. Trying to keep my moods afloat.

Depression has got to be one of the trickiest illnesses out there because really it's mind over mood right? You're not unhappy you just think that way. So much easier said than done.

I often pretend my moods aren't really what they are to get by. I don't feel crazy, and like I can't make eye contact, I don't feel so on edge, and yet so disconnected from the thing that is bothering me. None of that is real. Smile, nod, make pleasant chit chat. At times you get tired of the mask. You feel trapped by it. What is making me feel numb and sad right now? Why won't it go away, when I try to will it away?

Like I said, easier said than done.

I'm in one of those moods at work where I want to tell everyone to fuck off. I was here early. I woke up at 2:30am and couldn't get back to sleep. And the third cup of coffee hasn't done much. I don't need the security guard bothering me because he needs me to help him spell, and understand basic english, in a noise complaint report. ;-( I'm going to attempt to nap now.

If you are familiar with Toronto, you will be familiar with our crappy expensive transit system. Well it's not that bad really, just a little over priced ($109 a month!- I remember when gas/car payments/ and insurance only cost me that- combined!).

I got into an arguement with a bus driver that really tested the limits of my anger management issues. The idiot was yacking away on his cell phone, while driving, in a snow storm. He then stopped the bus, and just decided to continue yacking.

I asked loudly, if he could get off his cell phone.

He said, "I have a life outside of TTC you know."

I then told him to get a life OUTSIDE of TTC then.

He continued to bitch about his 10 hour work day (yep I have those too!) to which I replied, "waaaaahhhhh!"

He shut up after that, and put the bus in gear and began driving.

I love this cartoonist named Jeffrey Brown. He did this brilliant cartoon about how he got hit by a car, by a woman talking on her cell phone. The title of the cartoon is "Get off your cell phone bitch." He basically jumps on the hood of her car, smashes her windshield, yanks her out by her head, and then grabs her cell phone and eats it.

I actually almost feel that way, especially when I see some overpayed TTC employee yacking on their cell phone while driving (apparently you get payed like $17 an hour just to work a ticket booth for the TTC).

That's my kvetch for the day.

Well,

My doctor called me and she changed her mind about my diagnosis. She wants to clear out bipolar.

I don't trust her. The last appointment, she announced to the other doctor in the room that I was bipolar, and ADHD, and I should maybe try Lithium. I was not in agreement, and decided to not go back.

Now she's not sure.

Is it me or is our healthcare going to pot? How can doctors be so careless?

The other day I was lurking on the internet and came across a discussion started(ask jeeves I think) by a girl who said she began talking non-stop, and felt hyper and very good while meeting with friends. She asked if that was bipolar disorder. Um ok if you have bipolar you would know, and would maybe wind up in the hospital. And you wouldn't be asking people on a website. Geesh.

It's sad- bipolar is like the new ADHD. Everyone with slightly hyperactive, and moody behavior is now bipolar, and willing to accept without question.

We know our society is fucked, and is it any wonder that people who are over-stressed from work, tired, with never enough money, and no end in sight- are wanting to take a pill to numb themselves. I think people are sadly accepting a handy diagnosis that doesn't force them to deal with life.

Sad, doctors and some people are willing to trade up feelings so quickly for pills when it may not be necessary.

All this fear of our reality reminds me of something I wrote on a separate post:

"all societies are dystopias, except for the many who refuse to acknowledge it as that."

And people are choking down pills to not acknowledge it.

Maybe I am really bipolar and just in denial, but something tells me I am not.

Oh and while I was appealing to my hypochondriac side, I found this site that gave in excellent detail the problem of diagnosing bipolar disorder.

http://simonsobo.blogspot.com...

At around 7:30am I dragged my carcass out of bed, and made a giant cup of coffee. That is my wake up pill.

By lunch I was slightly grouchy so I had my second cup and a double chocolate donut. I was instantly happy.

Screw health food and prozac.

Well now that antidepressants do jack shit for mild depression, and blahs, I might as well chug coffee. Well according to my ex doctor I've got ADHD so I might as well add on another cup a
day- it will help with "focusing."

One night a friend of ours said that her doctor diagnosed her with ADHD as well. And the discussion quickly led to the idea of middle man selling of ritalin. It's sad how easy you can take advantage of the system. Our friend is so not ADHD either.

Someone also tmailed me on here to try to set up a date; a weirdo with a fake profile. The profile had some airbrushed studio quality photo of a guy who looked like 50 cent/usher whatever.

Probably just a stalker. maybe I'll share their pic.

I want to rename this movie "How Mental Illness Would be Treated in a Perfect World."

Basically Lars, this guy who is probably mildly autistic, develops a delusional disorder and purchases an anatomically correct Real Doll (in case you don't know they're life size, very real looking, fully equipped dolls that lonely men hump), and thinks she is actually real, and speaks to him, etc etc.

His family finds out and is horrified. The first reaction for his brother is to rush him to a mental hospital. In a real world, he would be sent to a mental hospital, perhaps on a one way ticket, to receive many Halperidol injections.

However the family only takes him to the GP who is a well trained practitioner, and they slowly begin to uncover why he developed the delusion.

They realize in the end he is dealing with the death of his father, and the fears over the pregancy of his sister inlaw.

Strangely the whole town opens up and accepts that he has a delusional disorder, and they try to include him, and even the real doll fully in their community.

A refreshing movie considering how we typically treat our mentally ill in the real world.

I kinda don't feel like blogging but I will. I keep thinking of things to write about but I can't think of much. I just don't have the energy.

My day at work was fun. I was teaching an aerobics class, and when I got the participants to lie down and meditate for a moment, someone started talking about the awards ceremony, and what Sarah Polly wore, and how her dress was awful. I decided to let them talk. Then I chimed in about Julie Christy, and how she had some shear number on that you could see through- and good for her because she's about 67. Most people at that age couldn't pull it off.

So we spent our meditative practice talking about what people were wearing at the awards. And I can get away with that at my job!

My boyfriend told me the other day he was talking to his nephew who has to read Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury as an assignment at school. They began discussing whether his nephew caught the undertone of the book. His nephew said something like this (probably won't sound as smart as what his nephew said), "in reality, all societies are dystopias, except for the many who refuse to acknowledge it as that."

My boyfriend's nephew is 17. When he said this my boyfriend touched his shoulder, and said, "You know I will never have a conversation at this level of intellect at my job (my boyfriend currently works a retail job).

Do you know what both these disorders look like?

 Well the jury is still out on if I have bipolar 2, but ADHD- hyperactivity- is something I am no stranger to.

But I love my energetic side. I'm the girl who was the track athlete. I couldn't stop moving as a kid. It didn't affect me too badly at school. I was good at certain things.

With some stressful life events at age 15 my mental health went out the window. It was not fun, and I went through the worst of the worst as a teen. I was stigmized and mistreated.

It is hard to say what happened to my moods. I often had mild depressions in my early teens, then anorexia, then a really major psycho depression. That's what I term it as.

You see, some of my behavior looked very bipolar, but then I think the events leading up to it would freak out a normal person anyways.

They say children who experience trauma can seem bipolar, but when in fact it is PTSD. I already had that label at one point in my life.

I did go through a period of extreme hyperactivity. It was like I had this impulse I could not shut off. It left me feeling embarrassed and out of control. I would call friends and act very manic, laughing, and talking about anything that came to mind. It was weird and friends noticed my impulsivity. I can remember laughing and acting extremely over euphoric. My brother turned to his friend and said "she's sick" during one episode.

Then it was like it never happened. My family would pretend nothing was happening, or worse yet I was beaten, and my craziness was the excuse.

Then I stayed like that until I was about 17. Then I was perfectly normal, until age 22; I had a bad depressive episode- a bipolar 2 "mixed episode" where there are signs of depression and mania at once.

I was not med compliant, but the meds pulled me out of the state I was heading into. Then I was fine again until about age 30 when I would have suicidal impulses, and ideations. Then since age 30 it's been very touch and go with me.

Who knows.

Bipolar is a cyclical disease. And if I have it I have been lucky. There are people who have tremendously painful episodes every year, or worse yet, a couple times a year.

I do often though show more signs of ADHD than bipolar. It's a trendy diagnosis, but for me it's often a trait, more than a disease.

I bop along when I am in a good mood, I'm goofy, messy, impulsive, off the wall.

My current psychiatrist often thinks my natural mood state is just a slightly off the wall hypomania- that's not a disorder.

At least my natural character hasn't been pathologized.

Then there is this fearful part of me- that worries I will say something stupid, or crazy, and who becomes very socially uncomfortable. I have had some issues with social phobia all my life- in my 30's it just feels particularly worse. Maybe because I realize it's not okay for me to have an outburst, or because just natural parts of me just aren't socially acceptable in the adult world.

Do I have both disorders? God knows. i've suffered mood things obviously but bipolar I am not sure of still. ADHD is an over diagnosed disorder so I should be careful of that one too.

I found a link though and I liked what it said:

There is a high coincidence of creativity and giftedness amongst both bipolar and ADHD people.

Regardless of whether an individual is bipolar or ADHD, or both, that person will often show high creative aptitude. These gifts may help them to become happy and successful in life. However, if these same gifts are frustrated, stifled or inappropriately medicated, then the person may experience much unhappiness and even some serious mental and physical health risks.

My own life improved dramtically when I began to understand that there is a blessing as well as a curse in being a person who "thinks outside the box". Today, leading bipolar psychiatric experts such as Ronald Fieve MD are suggesting that some forms of bipolar are beneficial.

http://www.bipolar-lives.com/bipolar-and-adhd.html" title="http://www.bipolar-lives.com/bipolar-and-adhd.html" target="_blank"http://www.bipolar-lives.com/...

 

Is it not odd that many of us are retreating from the real world into a virtual one to deal with stuff? We want to find hope because the real world is full of bad. It can be, but is it maybe just the way we want to see it? It's bad out there.... it is, but it gets bad on here too. Which would you rather deal with?

I like blogging but I try not to have tunnel vision on life or my anxieties because it just seems to make things feel worse. I am prone to tunnel vision on life, and sadness. It's a trait? A mental illness?

Who knows. I just have to work at it harder than others. or maybe everyone works just as hard as me. I don't know.

I remember going to a business conference and the owner of Goodlife Gyms was doing a presentation, and he began discussing what it is like to have an autistic child. He began discussing a basic approach in treating his child's autism. He said when his child rocked, he sat with her and rocked. If his child screamed, or began to act out, he imitated her. Nuts sounding isn't it? I know, but eventually what happened is the child began to notice the parent was behaving just like them, and that would make them stop rocking, and peak out from their world- because someone connected with them.

If someone acts like them it's no longer isolating. In trying this technique the child was able to function, and even go out into public, which was often a difficult feat before this behavioral approach.

Funny how something so simple works.

Today though I fear that we are driving to an overly technical and socially disconnected world. I think we are cutting off when we need human connection, not our computer screens. When someone mimmicks us, and is like us, it calms us.

Well I was thinking today, and just being happy. My boyfriend and I went out Friday night.

We saw a blues band and the lead singer was celebrating his birthday. It was a lot of fun. Our friends are kind of opposites to us. Very outgoing partiers really. The one friend is a stay-up-three-nights-in-a -row kind of guy, who loves after hours clubs. His girlfriend is tall, with hair dyed bright bright red (deliberately to match her boots, and scarf) who loves to get drunk when she goes out.

I didn't want to go out at first. I reverted to my usual socially phobic self. Just didn't want to go, hated to be seen, and stand around yada yada. My boyfriend dragged me there (well he was dragged there by his friend, and he dragged me along). We danced, drank, joked and laughed. My social phobia dissapated and I felt at ease. I stopped caring, for the moment about my fears, insecurities, blah blah blah.....

Of course I was in fine form, and after 3 drinks, and much goofing off I started to turn into a pumpkin at about 1am. By 1:30am le boyfriend got me in a cab and took me home. My boyfriend then laughed that my doctor thinks I have manic depression because I certainly wasn't displaying any mania. I tried to, honestly I tried to, but I fizzled out pretty quick.

I have made a mental note to myself to try to be more outgoing. You know, like how Pierre Trudeau used to just break out into dance in the middle of meetings. Because if you look at life as a series of boring meetings and stress well then, that's what it will be. So if I get nervous, I might start humming show tunes, or start fine tuning the right moment to break into dance without looking like a complete nut.

I have a habit of starting blogs, then deleting them. I either do it because I started up a profile to comment on a blog, and then figure, what the hey, why not? Well I promise to keep this blog. Really, I do. Basically I also want to keep this blog to be about anything and everything. My life- which gets too interesting for me to handle some days, and just the mundane.

Well,

Another day, another blog. this is not the first time I have had a blog. I usually begin posting with some fervour, and then I forget, or lose my fervour, and decide to leave it.

As for the spin I want to put on my blog, I am not sure.

I would like to discuss a current oddyssy (is that spelt right?) through health care. Namely mental healthcare. I am firing my psychiatrist. I have thought about going back to see her to tell her I am deeply unsatisfied with her way of diagnosing me.

What is my diagnosis? drum roll please!!!!!!!!!!

The now trendy and ever popular bipolar 2, with possible ADHD.

YEP.

I am trying to think what these two diagnosis look like together. I felt my psychiatrist based it on little information; I hadn't seen her in 3 months and when I came back she announced to another doctor invited in our session that I have bipolar 2 and possible problems with ADHD, and I should try lithium. She also said my bipolar was in remission without medication. hhhhmmmm

 I was given Topamax only for a short period and I quit it because I did not like the way I was responding to it.

I am not a perfect picture of mental health. But the thing is, doctors scare me- especially psychiatrists.

They have the power to diagnose to help you- or harm you.

Now bipolar disorder is a disabling disease. I have had severe depressions, and dysthymia (a chronic state of depression) so I do not think that if we all eat our vitamins, exercise, and live a healthy lifestyle that all mental illness will disappear. Besides I do that already. I try to get my 8 hours of sleep a night. I still struggle with stuff. If I could wave a happy magic wand over my life to make everything better I would.

However, there is bipolar, and then there is BIPOLAR.

Someone seriously afflicted with this disorder suffers from severe degrees of mania and depression. In a full blown mania they will believe they are Jesus Christ, or that they have special powers, and they become delusional. When they are depressed they are deeply suicidal.

Then there are several milder forms of the disorder, and a broad spectrum of depressive disorders that I think we are coming close to understanding.

I certainly don't dismiss the disorder, and people who suffer from type 1, or type 2. I just think my doctor may have made a rash decision. I think my issues may not be this disorder -although it may look like I have some facets of the disease, some key parts are missing.