LeeAnne34's Blog

Toronto for first four years, then durham region for about 10 years.

2) Do you wear any jewelry?

not usually but when I do it's usually colourful earrings.

3) What do you have too much of?

Clothes, paper, old bills I need to throw out, dishes, dust around my apartment.

4) Who is a fool?

Myself usually. I know other fools but for many different reasons. I am a fool in that I worry easily, and miss things. Other people are fools for doing things that seem so blatantly stupid but they do it over and over again. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is actually the definition of insanity.

5) What's your nickname? Pee wee, peanut.

I am enjoying a cup of joe, and thinking of going home soon.

I am at my boyfriend's. He's at work.

I went to tinynibbles.com this morning and read over open source sex by violet blue. She made an interesting comment about how as woman, she is automatically seen as a sex worker because she talks openly about sex. That somehow being interested in (healthy) sex and being female means you're for sale.

I can remember being 15 and having guys assume this about me. But they took it too far, and it became hurtful.

Then the news (webnation) switched to how miss new jersey was being blackmailed by an extortionist for somewhat racey photos. I thought, gee whoop-dee-fucking-do. She is posing in jeans! GASP! The shame. Who gives a shit. Someone could be killed, yet someone shows a little leg and suddenly that's the fucking news.

I wondered what would happen if someone tried to extort me with racy photos. I would probably copy the photos and sell them for money and tell the extortionist, thanks. I guess that's the beauty of being average joe citizen.

back to my coffee.

I can't think of anything original to say so I am going to leave you a letter (I didn't write) on what it's like to be female and PMS'ing.

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company
Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She
really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007
editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

========================= ========================= ===========

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years
and I appreciate many of their features.

Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably
never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer
clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos
on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is
that
maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel
each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
the curse?

I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right
now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging
through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and
I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to
call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body
amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers
monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'.

Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we
endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and
out-of-control behavior.

You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last
week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told
her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings
me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to
reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always
maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f****** kidding me?!

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really
think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during
a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable? Well, did it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be
anything 'happy' about a day in which you have t o jack yourself up on
Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't
march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap
a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on
us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bull s***.


And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

So I kinda annoyed a customer today.

I love it when people make things a crisis when they aren't. Or when you've explained clearly what you could do for them, and they still want "answers" for things you know nothing about.

I can understand their frustration but hey it's an imperfect world.

woman: When are the tennis nets going up?

me: I don't know, I've been called in on emergency and I am not sure when, or who is putting them up.

woman: How will I be able to find out when they are coming up?

Me: come back on Monday when regular staff are here, or check with the management office.

woman: This is so frustrating, the office never answers their phone, and I've come here too (probably only this time too- but she wants an answer now!).

me: I am sorry I just don't know what else to tell you.

woman: Well you do know something... what should I do?

(woman is getting snarky with me at this point- i can sense that she is one of those people seems to indulge in "not getting an answer" as a justification for snarkiness).

me: come back on monday then and talk to staff then.

(she storms off)

(I giggle with malicious glee)

Got screwed by a transit strike. My boss wanted me to travel to work by cab. *He says I would be paid monday*

The cost of transit would've cost more than I made at my shift. My company is big on saying they will reimburse you properly, but then never pay you back.

I told my boss no. I said I would rather work at a site that was walking distance and he could find someone closer to where I usually work.

I didn't answer my phone when he called back, so he flipped and threatened to fire me. I returned his call promptly though and said I was on my way.

He's pissed. wanted me to do useless duties, and then fire me if I didn't do them. Wants me to work 10 hours because I owe it to him for this. Um no. I don't.

They still owe me money for overtime and for purchases. They refuse to give me a float for purchases. I have had to go to our site manager for a float.

Time for a new career. Don't know what but I'm working on that. I feel bored, could care less about a lot of things. I don't have a blazing skill in anything, and any hidden talents I refuse to pimp myself out for. 

I wish I was hustling career type but I'm not, I wish I could start my own business but I don't want to. I don't give a damn, just leave me the fuck alone, let me work, and I will work, if you treat me like a person. Reward me for the work I do, don't make it a stupid bottom line "points system." Being happy in my job doesn't translate into never goes home and works 18 hours a day. it was never in my contract to work that much.

The person felt "she was looking for adventure and deserves to be there." I said, well isn't she seen as innocent, and is suffering like hell probably while other people get away with it? She said, "what did she think would happen to her." So do millions of vacationers, or people who work in Cancun, who are looking for adventure deserve a Mexican prison?

I sounded somewhat annoyed by that, when I voiced my opinion. I don't care if she's a client because if she has a right to an opinion, well so do I.

I am sure everything happening behind that case is crooked to a state level, and she was just an easy target, and a diversion while the real crooks got away. Isn't that how it often happens?

stalker material... ?

Hello my dear new friend.

How are you today, I hope all is well with you .I am sorry to worry you with my Proposal for a relationship with you, but I know that you will grant my request in good faith and understanding, My name is peace, I just went Through your profile at (tblog) I have no options than letting you Know that I am interested in having a relationship with you, I will also like to Know you the more, you can send an email to my email address (peace4u_babyi@yahoo.com) so that I can send you more details about my self Including my picture. I believe we can move from here. But bear in mind that Love has no colors barrier, no educational back ground barrier, no socio-economic Barrier, religious, language, nationality or distance barrier, the only important Thing there is love. I am waiting for your mail to my email address above. Yours Sincerely peace (peace4u_babyi@yahoo.com) please contact me directely in my email address.

Sorry, Peace, not interested. I've got a reasonably sane, and intelligent boyfriend and I am sticking with him....

I rented the documentary "No End in Sight" about how Rumsfeld, Bush and his cronies really fucked up the Iraq war.

I got to be honest, I don't usually give a shit about politics, especially on the American side, but this doc really showed how the US of A is being run by a bunch 4th grade level idiots. No offence to the idiots out there though. Just THOSE idiots in Washington.

When they got to the part in the doc where they decided to disband the Iraq military, when, hello, they should've used them in the first place, as they have in many more successful occupations, I was banging my head against the coffee table.

Disbanding the Iraq Military put the Iraq unemployment rate at about 50% and started the insurgency.

I was grabbing fistfulls of hair when Bush brought is cronies in to rebuild Iraq, which they are doing very slowly, to the tune of 1.2 billion, when the military themselves can rebuild much faster, and have for much cheaper, to the tune of 200k.

Not to mention that Rumsfeld refused to send troops, and wouldn't allow the troops to do anything as Iraq lost it's Artifacts and all it's wonderful history to looters.

My boyfriend who is politically charged couldn't sleep after watching it. After watching that I made a mental note that I will never travel to the states ever again.

I hate the subway and writing is about the only activity that makes me calm and puts me in my happy place.

The other day someone touched upon the subject of reverse racism.

Now the guy who brought it up I find a tad flakey, but I think he had a point.

So I decided to write about it. My writing seemed much more poignant than what I am about to write here. Sorry I just don't have the time to copy everything I wrote

I remember being accused of being racist, and promoting the "white establishment."

It was a customer at a store I worked for.

And what did I do?

When the customer first entered the store, I heard the door chime, but I could not see them. They were behind a rack and it was actually very difficult to see the door at all, or if the person was male, female, white, black etc.

It was busy in the store and I was alone. Two people were standing near the book section, and I asked them if they needed help. I wasn't sure if they were together (our book section was about 2 feet wide, and they seemed interested in their own things) so I asked, just so I didn't ask them if they needed help twice and sound redundant.

Finally, the person who set off the door chime, came to the back of the store. I asked her how she was and if she had any questions about anything. She seemed skittish, smiled and wandered around the store.

I went back to helping customers who wanted to try things on.

I then saw the same person again and she seemed to be looking for something so I asked her politely if she was curious about anything. She smiled said no and left.

The next day the same woman was standing outside the store front talking with another woman. I was outside on break. She commented loud enough for me to hear, that I gave her a dirty look because she was black. She felt the way I looked at her was "racist" because it was a "hard stare." I tend to squint when I can't see.

I didn't know what to say. I could've chimed in that I didn't see her at all because of the clothing racks, which is why I was staring hard. But oh well I let her talk. I don't think they would've liked my interjecting.

She also said I was being rude to the couple I was helping because they were a mixed couple. She said I seemed "uncomfortable" with them being together as a mixed couple. I thought, ok so the woman's acquaintance happened to be standing closest to me at the time when I asked them if they needed help, and I asked if they were together. That's evidently racist? Is that even subtle racism?

Rather than calling this reverse racism I call this practising the politics of weakness. It's called splitting in psychological terms where a person sees everything as black and white, and so they never have to doubt their perceptions as wrong.

Even if she did experience systemic racism, every "hard" look she gets is not because of her skin tone, just as every perceived action from a white person isn't racist.

This is why I quit working service jobs because customers are always supposedly right.

She used me as a guinea pig today

It was interesting. I have so many thoughts on my motivations, and experiences. Do you ever feel like you are so many things going on at once?

I find it interesting when I walk away from such a meeting, and I find more things, and realize I have old tapes playing over and over again in my head, and I find this funny way of tossing them out.

And it's never just what the doctor ordered either.

It's never come in pill form; it's never been a label that defined me in an aha moment.

She's bipolar, uh, no wait, ADHD. Uh that's not it. Anxiety disorder. No wait....That's a label with a pill basically that puts a bandaid on it momentarily.

I can remember being inpatient, and the doctors were assholes. I mean real assholes. I was talking about sexual coercion with one doctor whose response to everything was, "you were drunk, you don't remember" just to make an excuse not to listen to me. As much as I think we are advancing as humans, and drifting away from a patriarchal society, I occasionally run into experiences that indicate it is alive and well.

I was sent to a detox without being drunk or on drugs, and given a prescription that was the harshest thing I have ever done to my body.

I remember a doctor accusing me of "getting high." At this point in life I had maybe tried pot twice. Of course the doctor had given me a good course of Navane, that probably got me higher than anything. He would then go into this bad cop interrogation of my drug history while I am stoned out of my gourd on a typical antipsychotic. Of course my reaction was of a person who was completely stoned- and I would talk a blue streak back to this doctor. The doctor recorded that as verbatim of my drug history as if it were truth.

I remember just lying to the doctor because telling the truth made them close their ears. So anything I said was used against me, anything said with an ounce of truth was quickly ignored and not allowed to be talked about.

I was told it cost a pretty penny each night to stay there. My week long stay cost $1000's of dollars. It did little for me.

I then went to see a doctor after that; I refused to see a drug counsellor- who was supposed to help me stay "sober" when I hadn't been drinking.

I refused and paid a counsellor $5 for an hour, and got more out of that then I did a state of the art facility. Go figure.

I want to get this dress. It's a tad out of my price range atm.

I tried on several Betsey Johnston Dresses the other day. I then secretly lamented when I looked at each price tag.

I need to change my job. The cheap bastards at my company want you to work with no days off, but damn you if you want to be paid properly. It's time to look at a new job. As much as this one is a compromise- one that guarantees at least a normal lifestyle would be better.

Well,

Earth Hour hit Toronto and all the lights mostly flickered out in the downtown area. I started early with my lights off. I have special candle holders on my wall with mirrors behind them, so it reflects a nice soft light across my apartment.

For the most part many people have shut off their lights but some haven't.

My landolord won't turn off the hall lights for safety reasons which I can understand.

I can remember being in a bar with some acquaintance. They were not a friend, and not well known to me, but they came with friends I knew well.

They were somewhat intrigued that I wasn't drinking. They asked me why I didn't drink. I didn't tell them why; I thought it funny they would even ask. My real reason is I am too cheap to spend money on booze, and I just get way too tipsy so easily anyway.

They wanted to know more. I can't remember the line of questioning that led to the discussion of drugs, but he mentioned cocaine. Of course my dumb self didn't think he was referring to me. I have never done cocaine and never will.

I then described having annoying roommates who would get all coked out, and after watching them behave like paranoid idiots, I decided to move out. I am one of those people who could walk through a maze of addiction at a party and not feel the least bit interested. Watching people do coke is nothing new to me, I just have no interest.

Weeks later a friend brought up the conversation I had with this guy. The guy- who assumed that because I wasn't drinking, that I must've had some other vice- and that being cocaine. He said I was a major cokehead.

I thought it hilarious considering I think booze is expensive, I certainly as hell couldn't afford coke.

But this type of slash and burn assumption of my character is nothing new. It's this shame game people like to play with others, as sort of a power trip. I have never understood this type of power trip; where you make major assumptions about a person's behavior with the intent of defaming them.

It's as if your mere existence bothers them, and they must defame any good quality they see because they just don't have it in themselves.

I guess it gives someone a sense of power to be the hub of salacious "insider information" on any problems in a person's life. I guess they figure there is less to lose as well when they don't know the person.

I've seen it many times before. I once had a counsellor who was the same way; she seemed to want to imply that all my problems were related to alcohol, even when I hadn't been drinking. I got accused of reeking of alcohol one day, and being heavily intoxicated when I hadn't been drinking; my issue had been depression and they took it upon themselves to ignore that.

My doctor should have been sued, but it's difficult to do that. And once you admit to having a problem-whether it be mental or otherwise- it just seems people want to hang a name on you.

Perhaps it gave them the sense of being authoritative to blame alcohol. I don't know, two zimas in a week hardly accounts for alcoholism.

You see, you probably even think I am a drug addict, or an alcoholic just by what I wrote. But the truth is, I'm definitely neither.

It's as if we can't deal with someone who may be "too good" or too simplistic- so we must complicate things.

It's a game we indulge in; we like to have our victims and our enemies. It gives us something to judge other than ourselves at the end of the day. It's the endless need to spin something to hide some sort of truth.

I was sexually harassed in high school because of the same thing. I never even knew the people who started it, but they seemed to have some vested self serving interest in attacking me- and I think the truth about my life was very threatening to them.

People do this because SOMETHING is a threat (to them). And it is much easier to attack someone you hardly know, because they will be slow to find out the greater part of the truth.

I once remember a Jeff Buckley song, where he refers to "this virus called language." We are swayed by anything as long as it is repeated several times. We end up being "infected" in a way by the spreading of any false information.

Just look at advertising.

I sometimes think it's wonderful how much information there is at our fingertips, but I also think we under-estimate the power of information, or perhaps mis-information.

This blog may be vague and rambling but bear with me, I think I'm onto something.

I was watching The Hour with George Strombolopolos (probably spelt wrong), and he brought up a quote from a young teen who thought buying a CD was out of the question "because that meant getting out of the house, going to the store, and actually buying the CD."

Some researchers believe the internet, particularly social networking services like facebook, are creating a generation of people who wouldn't know what to do with face to face interaction. Despite all the communication, and information, we are actually losing the art of real communication, and real, genuine emotional expression.

Another double edged sword I have noticed with the internet is although it allows for anyone to communicate at anytime, it does not allow you to know who you are really talking to, and often it seems perceived slights are overblown.

It also allows for annoyingly ultra PC behavior.

For instance I find people seem to have overtly emotional responses to slights of communication on the internet, rather than in a face to face confrontation. And usually this feeds into some sort of personal agenda, and also gives the excuse to a totally idiotic flame war.

I think the PC (or MAC) can allow someone to behave as if they are driving a large SUV; they hardly realize how obnoxious they are, and because they feel invisible and protected by their large car, or computer screen, they don't care.

Here's one example:

I once remember someone flaming me- swearing, attacking viciously, calling me a child abuser, or in support of child abuse because I made a crack about an aunt "beating me with a wooden spoon" for dipping into her cooking. It was a very benign comment, however someone with an agenda interpreted me as inadvertently supporting acts of child abuse, and therefore guilty as if I committed child abuse. I just dropped out of that chat because of the idiocy of everyone with their head up their arse. People were overtly PC, and nice, saying I shouldn't say such things to offend people (?!).

As a result I spend more time just reading stuff, and not getting too involved in internet discussions. I just find that there are so many maladaptive ways of communicating on the net, that force me to revert to reading science journals and articles, instead of engaging with others.

This is why I prefer meetups and going to stuff, because often people are forced to behave properly, and seem to usually go with the intention of being honest about who they are, and to not be an asshole.

I go back and forth in my head with this one.

Was I even abused? Why did I find one event so traumatic, and other events not so traumatic? Sure I was molested as a child, but it wasn't that bad. Why did I have flashbacks at age 20? Why didn't the doctors believe me? Was it my boundary issues at the time? Was it just a power trip to not listen to me and say everything was made up all in my head? Why is it that people do not really listen when you mention abuse? Does it point out the commonness of it? Does it force them to face something that they feel uncomfortable in dealing with? Why do I have such horrible boundary issues when it comes to sex? Why did I think that guy holding me down at a party was attempting to rape me? Did I lead him on? Did I confuse him about what I wanted? Why did he hold me down and kneel on my legs?

Why do I have memory flashes that sometimes come right before I have sex? Why do I shut off for sex, or feel like I become someone else for sex. Why do I feel suicidal after sex? Why did I stay awake for days, thinking about what he tried on me? Why do I invalidate myself when my feelings are so real? Is it because I feel a sense of hopelessness in being believed? Am I acting out something that happened in my teens?

Why did I kiss or even touch him back? Why did he kick me in the face when I refused to have oral sex in front of his friends? Why don't people see that as abuse, or call it "unusual" when I think it was abuse? Why didn't I go to the police, especially when I thought about going? Why did I pretend to like him? Why did he push me, and ignore me saying no? Why did I call it rape when he was on top of me? Why didn't I say no more? Why didn't I say no after he pushed me on the bed? Why did I kiss him back? Was I acquiescing out of fear, and because he was forcing me, and ignoring my no's in the first place?

Why did my mother let my brother beat me right afterwards? Was my cutting and needing help bothering them? Was I calling too much attention to something in our family? Why did they turn into monsters?

Why did my mother seem so willing to push her son to be violent towards me? Where did he learn to think that is acceptable behavior? He said that my mother called me a whore, and that made it ok.

Why did my mother call me a whore when a 30 year old man began to pursue me sexually at the age of 15? Why did she ignore me when I said he was bothering me? Was it his asking for my phone number at first? What did she think when he followed me the whole way home, and it made me uncomfortable? what did she think when he followed me when I ran from him? What did she think when he demanded sex from me, cornered me, and threatened to rape me, or "make it worse if I say no"? Did some image of an underage teen being sexual with a 30 year old, rile up some image of whorishness? Who is the real whore? Me? Him? Or her....

Are we so blind in our behavior as adults to not really think about the damage any of this causes?

Is all of this why I feel so messed up in the head? Is this the only reason? How do I go to feeling unmessed up? Have I already gone too mad to ever come back again?

I have been going to different meet ups around the city. It's my way of getting myself out of the house, and discussing or sharing whatever is on my mind.

I went to a meeting for discussing abuse. Some interesting viewpoints, and ideas were brought to the table.

One topic I brought up was my despise for adults who complain about how children and teens behave when they themselves aren't exactly role models. Like the parent who drinks, and allows their kid to drink, but then criticises them for getting drunk, and behaving badly. Seriously, I've met people with parents/rolemodels (a teacher for christ sakes!) like this- they literally put their kid into situations and then judge them when the outcome is bad.

I can remember a group in the early 90's (I think the band name is Camaflouge) where the lyrics go something like this

"create the cultural shock, fuck the children to live your life."

I often think some people who haven't matured as adults seem to want to involve themselves with youth, but have a poor time being an adult for these children, and let boundary issues get in the way. And we are not quick to notice these things until they are causing MAJOR issues to the child.

We often view children and young people as blank slates that require automatic shaping into adults, and unfortunately as in the case of an abusive type, to manipulate to their viewpoint. God knows why people do this; maybe they were abused as children themselves, and since children are automatically seen as "in need of direction," they try to be a role model as a way to deny their inner demons, but turn to abuse in the end.

Who knows. There is no logical reason for when anyone behaves like a fuck up. Especially towards a child. It just points out some disgusting, self loathing, and insanity in the adult.

Another issue I brought up is my despise of the media, and fashion and how it exploits younger people. Have you seen how short skirts are these day? Yet you will hear that all knowing adult criticise the teen for dressing slutty,

yet have you seen the clothing racks these days? No wonder 9 year olds are getting anorexic. I would think I was fat too if those ridiculously short shorts were in 20 years ago.

So I bought an Adbusters magazine.

There was one article I was taken by, called "On Seeing Others."

The author said, "Important life issues are often divisive issues, and the convictions we form... won't always lead us to drink at the same bar. Often they lead us to opposite sides of the barricade. But what's the point of wasting energy perpetuating mean spirited stereotypes about your adversaries? Why does everyone need to be either a selfless hero, or an unregenerate villian? Surely there must be normal, middle-of-the-road people struggling somewhere."

Basically, we have some sort of need for preconceived notions of others who we bump into throughout our days. The homeless man you don't open you're wallet for because of the fear of being mugged. Others call him lazy. Your boss is pure evil, and their every action is of ill intent towards an employee, and not just out of major job dissatisfaction and fear. So when you bash your boss we do so without understanding the other side- we only take what we need to bolster our argument. There are malicious stereotypes where ever you look.

And you have worn a stereotype. And I have worn a stereotype. Often, it has been used to ignore other much larger details about our experiences, and ourselves. It may have been used to try to delude us from believing in ourselves. And largely it re-enforces a mistrust in others.

When I get bummed I need to read something that jolts me into thinking. And this was the jolt I needed.

Then there was a quote from Longfellow,

"If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we would find in each person's life sorrow, and suffering enough to disarm all hostilities."

Imagine what we could do if we did this.

My labels have been Bipolar, Depression, PTSD, anxiety, ADHD, and the add ons from the non-medical community have been psycho-girl, crazy, bitch, whore, and slut. I experienced stigma, and sometimes I find myself waiting for attack, and the questions, and comments from those that seek to see through me. I have also run into an overblown fear that views me as dangerous, when the real danger is understanding what they are afraid of.

I have seen people who merely attack a person for their vulnerability- be it homelessness, or mental illness- and it's treated like a game. It's seen as funny.

And because I suffer from mental illess I read things like this to feed my soul and my mind. I owe it to myself.

So, I am not a good shit disturber usually. I hate being the one with my neck on the line. It's not always easy to do, and the older I get the less I want to do it.

Then there are times when you must do it, and I find myself in that situation again. I am yet again warring with the company I work for. This time I dropped the hammer.

I refused to work extra hours, when requested to. I had previously informed my boss that he go through appropriate channels to get me to work 48+ hours a week, or I will start refusing work.

My company often does things that fall outside government regulations and they often penalize you for it.

For instance, it took me over 2 months to get overtime pay. I had to harass them regularly to get it. Apparently, it was my fault- my boss is the laziest asshole there is- though I am sure there are more like him.

He often will try to schmooze you for extra hours of work. We are always short staffed not because no one wants the job, and it requires a special skill (hah!), but because he is too fucken lazy to hire anyone, and people quit as soon as they figure out the company bullshit. So if you miss a shift out of your 50-60+ hour work week- it goes down on your file permanently- and the company has this bullshit points system that labels you as "lazy" with points deducted.

Though the points won't earn you any rewards- it's supposed to be motivational. You are rewarded very little for everything else, and anything good usually goes by unnoticed. You also get punished if you don't approve the schedule if you don't like the hours.

Never mind our boss though, with his frequent days off and lying to cover his own ass when he fucks up.

So I missed a shift after I requested that a) my boss go through the appropriate government channels to request these extra hours, and b)if he doesn't I'll simply start refusing work. I forgot on my schedule I had a shift in there, honestly. I had also worked so many hours and I don't get too many days off- so everything began to look the same.

It was not a typical day for me to work either. It was also a double shift too- so once I was done one shift out of my regular schedule I thought I could go home. I had already put in 44+ hours so why not. And I also did not care because like I said, if my boss doesn't go through appropriate channels I might as well refuse.

So the assistant was livid when she called me to go into the shift and I said no. She called me back two more times, trying to say I agreed to go into the shift, as a way to get me in. I said no I didn't, told her to hire more staff, and hung up on her.

I was punished- though whoop dee do, they can fire me for all I care, and they will lose a contract if they do. I told her to basically- start treating staff as if they're human- you know with family and lives. Maybe I am asking too much these days, but it's worth a shot.

I've been suckered into going to a wedding with my boyfriend. His ex wife will be there. My boyfriend seemed hesitant about bringing me, and now I wish I hadn't agreed to anything.

So I was in a pissy mood Sunday. I am supposed to buy a dress for the damn thing. I should just show up in jeans. I thought shopping might lighten my mood, but buying a bullshit dress I'll maybe wear once made me angrier. So I went for a walk, got some coffee, and bought something to read instead. Screw dresses.

I felt like the dress would be symbol of hiding my imperfections. And I think being with my boyfriend would mean that I will be under the family microscope. His mom is nortoriously moody. The brothers are techno geniuses who make a ton of money and have beautiful things. One is married with two brilliant children both in gifted programs, and with grades in the high 90's.

Then there is my boyfriend the intellect, techno geek, who regularly goes off on tangents while talking about the physics of where to place speakers to best optimize sound. Usually his tangents fly over my head.

I might as well buy a dress with the intention of lighting myself on fire at this thing.

I know I will be under the family microscope, and with the way my boyfriend talks about speakers, if his brothers are the same in questioning what I do for a living, and figuring out my philosophy in life, I might run away screaming.

So I am trying to cheer myself up before I go.

Here are some things I thought of that I would never do, but would make my worst sound better (sounding dumb, nervous, have an anxiety attack).

1. To ward off the feeling of wanting to light myself on fire at this thing I'll just wear something covered in flames.

2. Take Xanax with me, make sure I take lots, and either @ pass out on my food, or @ get up when I know I am about pass out, and pass out on the wedding cake.

I am trying to think of more but they're not coming to me.

I got annoyed when my boyfriend said he would invite a female friend because she would have the dress for it, and he didn't want to put it on me to go buy a dress. That just hurt my feelings. Now I feel like I am going based on hurt feelings.

Anyone ever remember Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey from SNL?

Well the administrators and managers at my company are complete idiots. This Jack Handey quote reminded me of them.

"Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door."

I just thought that was classic. And you see idiot customers, bosses etc running around pulling shit like this all the time.

My day was alright. I felt like a miserable grouch today, until I had my afternoon cup of tea. Then things were great.

I also began going out to different meetups in the city to get out more. I am trying to have a more varied life, and circle of friends. Trying to keep my moods afloat.

Depression has got to be one of the trickiest illnesses out there because really it's mind over mood right? You're not unhappy you just think that way. So much easier said than done.

I often pretend my moods aren't really what they are to get by. I don't feel crazy, and like I can't make eye contact, I don't feel so on edge, and yet so disconnected from the thing that is bothering me. None of that is real. Smile, nod, make pleasant chit chat. At times you get tired of the mask. You feel trapped by it. What is making me feel numb and sad right now? Why won't it go away, when I try to will it away?

Like I said, easier said than done.